This was a blog I posted when Yahoo 360 was just beginning in 2006. I’m sure Filipino women out there could relate to my sentiment here.
In our culture, it is not easy being a Filipina, especially when coming from a very destitute background. I, for example, carry a heavy burden of having to live up to this expectation. This is a great inspiration and nonetheless honor bestowed on my humble soul. But in the same token, having to carry this burden makes personal growth and movement very slow.
Yesterday… I finally called my mom… who lives in Samar, and my sister in Tarlac, after SEVEN months!It was a loooooong seven months! It was hard not to call… but I had to do it… I had to pull away for awhile… let my family figure things out on their own… especially my sister whom I sensed was becoming dependent on me…
I did NOT call for a long time… because I could no longer listen to all their problems… It seemed that every time I called… instead of feeling happy… I feel SAD…DEPRESSED… and most of all I felt like a failure…
I felt like a FAILURE because I could not help my family financially… give them money whenever they need it…I could NOT get them out of the RUT they are stuck in… THEY ARE SUFFERING in poverty like most of the people that inhabit the Philippines…
I’ve helped before… sent them money on countless times… money that supposed to help them… GET ON THEIR OWN FEET… so they’ll stop relying on me… but all that money is gone… all their businesses failed…
My brother’s fishing business can’t even support his family… there are no more fish to catch… and still waaaaay tooo many children to feed! My brother has EXTRA LARGE family, which comprises of a wife and NINE children!!! God damn!!! Use a condom or something!!!
Every time I call… they besieged me with all their problems… FINANCIAL problems… My mom needs money for a new boat… because her old one leaks… she needs money for a sari-sari store she wants to open… AND, they’ll have electricity soon… so I’d be nice if they have TV!
My sister needs money to see the doctor about her health… money to start another business… money to feed her family of five and a LAZY husband! I am sorry for calling him lazy… but from what I have seen, he is not doing what he is supposed to do to fulfill his responsibility as a husband, and father to his five children.
My youngest brother needs money for college… MONEY… MONEY… MONEY… MONEY!!! They want MONEY and LOTS of it!
They MUST think I’m the BANK and money GROWS on TREE!
… And this is WHY i haven’t called in seven (7) months.
I’m the oldest child in the family… the only one who is “well-off” (compared to them) and educated… and, as with Filipino customs and traditions… I carry a HEAVY BURDEN…
I feel obligated to help my family, whenever I can. I feel it is my duty to raise them from poverty and get them out of their rut… but, merely giving them money whenever they need it… IS NOT HELPING… they always come back for more…
I don’t know what to do anymore…
My family and their financial needs have always been a SORE SPOT in my marriage… My husband feels BITTER about how committed I am to them… He believed that… by giving them money… I’m HURTING them!… “in the long run, they are never going to learn… and they are a lost cause…..”
Still… I don’t want to give up… I feel I have not done what I’m supposed to do… I have not done enough… There’s got to be something I could do…
So… in a last effort to save them… I am asking my husband to help me send my youngest brother to college… He wants to become a Mechanical Engineer…maybe if I save him… MAYBE… he’ll save the rest of our family… or MAYBE… this is my way of absolving myself from all these responsibilities! Or maybe… this is my way of FREEING myself with all this GUILT!!!
Subscribe via email to receive updates from FilipinaImages.com
Related Entries:
Entries (RSS)
your husband is right and you did a good thing by pulling away for a bit. they need to learn to rely on themselves and to stop using you as a crutch. i understand hard times. my family is the same way and often “borrows” money. it has been years and none of my relatives have seen any effort of payback at all. the money isn’t the important part. it’s the principle of the thing. you did your best but it’s not your burden to carry all alone. it isn’t fair.
Hindi ko malaman kung matatawa o maiiyak pero napangiti ako sa “Use a condom or something!!!”.
Sabi nila guilt is hereditary– you inherit it from your mother. but thanks for such an honest post. A lot of us OFWs feel the same way…
(found this post on the women section of http://whatsikat.com)
Your husband is right actually. I think bringing your brother to college is a good move. At least you know your “investment” will pay off.
Very honest post!
I think I know how you feel.
Arghhh! 
I am a male. Your sentiments are not isolated to women only. But your post is true and real. Totoong-totoo sa totoong buhay. You and your husband’s idea of helping your Bro go to school is a good sharing of blessings. Afterall, Jesus said, “Do not give them fish, rather teach them how to fish.” Luckily for me, i am the youngest among 9 siblings of a Carpenter-Widower. My Nanay died when i was 4 years. Luckily again, i matured so early that i left home at 13 and look for emloyers who could send me to high school. Short cut. I graduated college. Worked in the government for several years. Tried corporate life for another several years and left. Now i am a biznizman. A happy biznizman.