by Marikenya
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women. ~Nicole Hollander
Don’t worry male readers, this article is not meant to antagonize the male species. I just started this post with Hollander’s quote because it made me smile and it’s relative to what I’m about to write.
The other day, a friend of mine, Ella (not her real name), called me and we had a long chat about her marital woes. Apparently, there was a fight again between her and her husband Ned (also not his real name). The husband was jealous and doubtful of her and almost beat her to death during that fight.
Sadly, that was not the first time Ned resorted to violence because of his unreasonable jealousy and lack of trust. It’s ironic how he always claim that he’s very much in love with Ella but he’s always hurting her, emotionally and physically.
A lot of women are suffering the same fate as Ella. The modern age and technology hardly changed the traditional and cultural context about women and her roles after marriage. Like in other parts of the world, the dogma about Filipino women have been defined according to a patriarchal system. In this age and time, gender and female sexuality are still defined by the dominant social group of men.
Ned, like many Filipino husbands, is expected to be the main breadwinner and is chiefly responsible for the financial sustenance of the family. In return, the woman is expected to manage the household, take care of the children and be submissive to the husband in almost all aspects of her life. The latter is the most abused “so-called role” of women in a marriage.
Ella, after her marriage, lost her identity. Ned laid down set of rules that she forced Ella to follow including policies on clothes she should wear, friends she should see, work she should take, etc. My friend miserably told me that Ned even control her own thinking.
Ang pagiging babae ay pamumuhay sa panahon ng digma. To be a woman is to live at a time of war. Joi Barrios.
In all fairness, Ned is a responsible husband and father. His sweetness to Ella was even a subject for envy to our other friends’ wives. He always emphasized that a couple, despite their financial obligations and other responsibilities, should provide time to enhance their relationship and fire the passion for each other by dating. He calls this couple time “sweetheart thing.”
Men need to realize that women did not lose her “self” by marrying her. Wives may have agreed to change her name to “his” by marrying but men should realize that this is actually a sacrifice (I really liked my family name but for the love of my husband, I agreed to take his) for us women. It doesn’t follow that women already gave up her individuality and life and become her husband’s extension by doing so.
Ned may or may not be hurting Ella intentionally. He may be blinded by his jealousy or narrow-mindedness but he must realize that Ella, since he started policing her, lost her self and identity. In turn, she lost her confidence and motivation to be happy. She has become a lonely and discontented woman whose slowly losing her will to live. Ned’s false show of “machismo” is now wrecking his marriage and family.
Marriage should be able to provide the couple opportunity to become better person together, not otherwise. Both husband and wife should benefit from the union, male dominance in relationships is a conventional perspective that is often lead to exploitation.
Broken relationships and marriages are always painful. Let us try to save ours by understanding that we all wanted to be our own person, even after going to into relationships. No men or women are superior than each other. The key is respect. We are all human beings created uniquely. Let us live and let live.
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January 15th, 2008 at 5:14 am
It seems like such a simple concept but few really understand it,even if they claim to. There’s always that “but”, such as “but MY woman…” I have a wonderful and beautiful, talented and ambitious friend who’s very in love with her man, but he has tried to police her, thereby possibly stepping closer and closer to ruining the career she’s been working at since we were 16. It’s a shame to watch. But she’s fighting it off, but giving in at little bits to show her love and devotion. Only time will tell where she draws the line.
Grey areas are hard to step out of because you’re in the black before you even realize it. And then what? Ella needs to realize that no one is going to pull her out of this mess except her. She needs to assert herself and do what is best for her. In the end, that’s how we were all raised, right? I hope she does. She sounds like a lovely girl.
January 15th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
Women should not let their marriage take away their identities. Men should learn to see women as not the weaker sex but learn to accept and even aid in helping women realize that they are empowered to think for themselves.
By the way the Belle de Jour raffle contest is still open until Jan 18. Please join and help promote the Filipina Image.
January 16th, 2008 at 12:03 am
Please inform your friend about this law. Republic Act (RA) 9262 “Anti-Violence Against Women and Children .It is against men who treat their women as property. Aside from physical abuse, the law also protects women from , psychological or emotional, sexual violence and economic abuse.
Here is the law link
January 16th, 2008 at 8:38 am
@noemi…
true… there is a law and ella knows that like all other women in this kind of situation. but in reality,it’s only easy to say that there are laws about women violence but there are greater issues in these kind of marriages and abuses that meets the eye or that appear sensible to us.
believe me, your reaction was also my initial reaction but after hearing their sentiments, you will have to open your mind and give them more options than just leaving their marriage. it may sound foolish but believe me, i’m quite a feminist but i understand totally their fears.
it’s not a perfect society. you just don’t get justice that easy, especially for ordinary folks. you have to live with them for you to understand the real “world” they’re in. it’s a lot complicated than just advicing them about the law. maybe i’d write another article about these issues so their fears would be clearer.
thanks sis noemi.
January 16th, 2008 at 8:41 am
@leah…
thanks sis… i would check your contest again…:)
January 16th, 2008 at 9:11 am
The husband was jealous and doubtful of her and almost beat her to death during that fight.
the law is for her physical protection and her safety especially for the children. Why stay in a marriage if the husband just beats the woman? That is very wrong. There is life outside an abusive husband. Sure marriage can be worked out as long as the husband is sane and does not do physical violence but nearly beating her to death???? that is wrong. I know of a lawyer who beat his wife and thought the wife would never act on the law. Oh was that lawyer surprised. After the temporary restraining order, the husband sat down and worked things out with the wife.See, it doesn’t mean that the marriage has to be broken. The husband has to realize that he goes to jail if he continues this abusive act.
January 16th, 2008 at 11:40 am
agreed. it was indeed wrong. there’s no justification oracceptable reason at all for violence. that’s clear. what i’m taking into consideration is the counselee’s dilemmas and her appeal for other options. if it were for me and you, it’s going to be easy decision: hiwalay agad. but it’s Ella’s life and her kids and it’s a different situation. It’s really hard to explain sis eh, i’m not justifying ella nor ned nor violence in marriage. i believe i made my point clear about that.
decision making, especially ones this big, is not simple for some people. that’s reality. i am not to force my beliefs to her… this soon though because in the future, that’s what i’m planning to do p rin, to encourage her to separate from her husband. but among the counselor’s role is to take into account also the realities and feelings of her counselee and provide options. although, i’m not exactly her counselor. i’m just a friend.
January 17th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
Mhel- at least ella has a choice she alone can decide when the time comes.
January 19th, 2008 at 12:09 am
sis noemi… true. i actually talked to an education doctor in this field and i have come to realize a lot about counseling since her situation has been an emotional baggage for me.
i guess i’m not the one to help her in this situation but i am still there for her as a friend. i pray though and constantly that she soon realize what she needs to do. before it’s too late.
thanks sis.
January 19th, 2008 at 1:07 am
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January 20th, 2008 at 5:15 am
this is somehow one reason why i think divorce makes sense. and this isn’t isolated to married couples, believe me.
January 20th, 2008 at 10:02 pm
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January 31st, 2008 at 4:51 pm
issa, divorced is not good. it shows immaturity. you are given a choice to marry or not in the first place. before marrying someone, one must really scrutinized the future lifelong partner. if one sees a little bit mistake or a little incompatibility then don’t marry that person, it will save them both and their future children from future headaches and heartaches.
March 11th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
[…] March 11, 2008 by yolynne What kind of woman did I become after my marriage? A very unusual question to ask oneself isn’t it?, funny but I thought about it while reading this http://filipinaimages.com/filipina-women-after-marriage/. […]